"CRYBABYSTILL"- Invited Guest Blogger December 6, 2009

-(JoAnn) "CRYBABYSTILL"- Invited Guest Blogger December 6, 2009 Job interview in Hollywood, Crazy Murderer or Candid Camera ploy?.

I dreamt, I was standing in some kind Southern California type of walled court, sunny, warm and tranquil. The grass was thick, soft, and bordered with orange trees loaded with ripe fruit. There were comfortable looking lounge chairs placed at intervals. It was just like the homes of the Hollywood stars you see in magazines. I find one of the chairs under a orange tree that provides a comfortable balance of sun and shade. I am supposed to wait here to be interviewed by the producer of a television series based on the concept of police coming face to face with perpetrators while the cameras roll. Somehow, I am seeking the position of assistant to the director. A job I think would be ideal for me, and within my abilities but that I knew I would have to really have fake any claims of actual experience with. Being a dedicated fan of the Soproanos, I considered as useful to bring this up when the interview got around this, as a ploy to get away from my lack of actual experience. Thoughts of this nature occupied me as I sat there trying out, in various little visual plays, what he would want to hear from me. Suddenly I saw a man running toward me, I expected that he was hurrying to fetch me to see the Producer. As he neared and I recognized this could not be what he was approaching me for. I FEEL FEAR AND DISGUST AT HIS shriveled LOOKING FACE AND BODY. He was excitedly saying -that he was a murderer- I wondered if this was some trick of the Producer and his Director were using, to test my ability to cope with the negatives that crime shows deal with. I was trying to comprehend what the man was saying-and same time trying to maintain the calm front of professional interviewer. 'SIR, maybe if you can calm yourself a bit and explain what you mean, --I want to understand what are saying --Do I need to call the police, medical people or your family? He continued incoherent, but I caught the words "murder-going to jump -niece at home-more destruction' All the words too mixed to grasp context. However, as soon as I repeated 'FAMILY? 'back to him, he said, “yes, it is suicide” but he spoke, as if talking to some invisible other person, not me. I tried to ask him other interviewer type questions and at the same time, debating whether to make away from him or stay and try to help him, as I was growing afraid for my own safety -But decide to help him, still hoping this was being staged by the director, something like was common on the old Candid Camera TV Shows. Then the man seemed to regain his self-control, --”Yes, If you will accompany me home I will explain all.” Then somehow, we were at his home, one he shared with his niece. This niece was married but the husband was not there. I assumed this had some connection to what was the cause of the man's saying he was a murder and his desire to commit suicide. Was this statement just a nervous breakdown fantasy or something real? I tried to get the facts from the niece, but as soon as she started to answer. He would drown out her words, growing so very loud and angry, that I grew frightened that he might murder the niece and me. He rambled on, something about “ if some woman loved him, then they should have their own place together. If this, not to be, then death to all the participants--” The man now, no longer looked so shriveled and crazy. Comment: Those of you who have followed my previous dreams may not be surprised that I have some grandiose desire to shine in the spotlight, T.V, film etc. In reality, I sell my self short when promoting myself and in my employment seek positions for which I am actually over qualified for and play as if what they ask of me might be too difficult. This protects me from the painful nightmares and tossing and turning nights that even the slightest mistake I make at work (or social affairs) cause me. Sometimes even outside system failures not in any way my fault or responsibility cause me to suffer this same way. Clearly neurotic, and as hinted at in the dream, I see it as testing of my facade. I am fascinated by my fellow human's fictional and real violence stories. Perhaps that violence enters my dream world from some related impulses hidden deep inside me? I am willing to look further, but so far it moves like a mirage distantly ahead. I would like your comments and analysis of my dreams! Just put "HOLLYWOOD INTERVIEW' in the subject and sent to fateanalysisguy@gmail.com I'd love to hear from you. --JoAnn

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Crybabystill (JoAnn) November 20, 2009

Dream #1. My phone at the house rang and a feminine voice asked me What the weather in Italy was like for that day. I pretended I might have that information -and she [by this, I forced her into a probe and in doing to maybe reveal what she really wanted to know and also who she really was, When finally the conversation stalled, I told her- "I didn't know." Dream #2. A big fat man with thinning hair and a hostile look on his face was standing in my office- looking at me. It was something about his beneficiary in Italy being denied access to his family home and financial accounts. It was that I, in some work capacity had issued him the wrong document needed to permit this person to transfer his funds located there. I protest saying, I am not permitted to issue, a power of attorney here or in Italy, as I am not an attorney. He grew closer and it appeared as if he was about to hit me. He said he knew better and that I had better get with it or else. The correct slip he said, was a blue one and not the pink one that I had mistakenly given him (I could tell by the snarling way he said 'mistakenly' that he believed I had done this to him maliciously). My supervisor on hearing the commotion, entered the room to the side of the man and after looking at the document in question asked the man to go with him to a higher ranked office that could issue such a document. He and the man left and I feared for the safety of my supervisor and I feared the man would return. Dream #3. Later, when it seems I am free from this dream and comfortably sleeping. I opened my eyes and I saw a man in a plaid sports shirt falling right on top of me. I yelled "Oh!" out loud and gathered myself together and realized it was not a real event.

Comment:

My Rosicrucian exposure, is from long ago and at a time my life that was one in upheaval. Today, I think what I learned then, is now diluted and mixed with all kinds of pop psychology impressions (as well some real life experiences- good and bad) acquired since. I do not wish to imply my self-concocted use or misuse of their philosophic views to be taken as authentic,
yet it is my starting point. I have a great respect for their teachings and the personal kindness they showed me when I needed it most.


I need to mention I am not qualified to advise others,
as well a little wacky when it comes to evaluating my own personal life details. Nevertheless, that is me, and where I find my starting points for dream alanysis and the resulting self-analysis begins by looking for hints of a cosmic if not devine power with a message somehow arriving from outside of my self, advising, nidging me, trying to move me to being a better person, a more insightful person and one helpful to others and not totally self-centered. or self-delusional. The good
intentions, I hope, are enough to cause others to overlook
the imperfections and misdirection connected with my input here. I try to take a view that has room for being open to other persons seeing my dream world different than I do.

I cannot tell myself if such desires changes in any way my dream
content or their value to me.

---

Although in my dream events here are three separate dream episodes. I believe they are connected at some level just out of reach of my ability to connect them.

This causes me to [1] read them over and then locate the base elements and test each of them agaimst my real life. Looking in particular for its message type elements [2] Then subject, piece by piece, each element or item in the dream to a kind of loose thinking somewhat in the manner of Freudian free association. I intentionally shut off any thread of association too repetitious, ugly, hateful or self-demeaning. This has something to do with my coping ability in relation to negative thoughts more than any rejection of free association as a analytic tool. [3] My coping ability also is key to my similar automatic shut-off of memory search, the next process. I break searching for the past whenever it turns into a guilt trip, or a muck-raking of childhood parental conflicts. I accept that these these things shaped me and that in time I can reduce them to ordinary
memories and not sore spots. [5] I tell myself that my unconscious will do justice in respect to that which is significant, when and if, it sees that I can deal with it. (Not very scientific but not unpleasant either. And I look forward to welcoming my new dreams as they arrive.

Here, fragmented, are my notes I jotted down- I don't normally write down anything but the manifest dream content in my dream book.

My not keeping written interpretations and associations has its roots in my belief when any element has been worked through you should be able to forget it and not be haunted by it.

Example my procedures:

Dream 1

The unidentified feminine voice - Asking about the weather in Italy?
Some associations
Voice= My alter ego, my conscience, my mother, the bitch at work who seems out to sabotage me.

Weather=  Sunny Italy- Tempests-Metaphor for moods. Weather we-at-her= hostile-feminine -tempestuous-intimacy problems (mine and or others).
My playing that I might know= a trick to get her [ego-super-ego or whatever] to reveal what she is really after?= vague fears/ s/he= who?/why?/what? Motive? /(various thoughts
not written down 3-4 minutes and I shut them off and move to the next dream. noting that it also connects to Italy)

Italy=sunny happy place [hidden Mafia elements=gangster=bad men-men= mostly-some women-danger to me-to others-recent local crime news-etc.

Color slip wrong/not useable for recipient/=good or bad intentions gone wrong-denial of responsibility for error- (one of my basic traits)=shift to others law-lawyers-dissimilarity of colors-excuses (I am indeed, a clever excuse maker)

Supervisor responds ='the other' who takes away fear and handles the problems to big for me to handle. (My missed father imago in childhood)

He takes the hostile angry man away from me and to a office with higher authority=wish fulfilled at the cost of shifting danger to him-my objects of attachment and love=up to mother-husband and-even god-etc.= -important images periled when I shift responsibility for things- I should be able to manage myself-the irrationality and the physicalitywith which this man confronted me= paralyzed ability to handle some negative
things-or do I just over react?-In this dream I don't think so-I am saved just before bad things happen (has been true in some but not all cases for me in past) -confrontations= I can't depend on such interventions to save myself or keep me stable-or to control others (Issues I know I have)
hostile intentions=( thing occasional a problem for me.)

At this point I feel I have turned up some new ground (my preferred metaphor) and move on to the third dream which is semi-hallucinatory and fear toned.

My first inclination is to reject this dream as not real-or
even analyzable and at the same time I recall how real it seemed at its moment of occurrence. It was real, lucid, clear and frightening. The plaid sport's shirt seemed to anchored it as visible proof of its reality. I feel this dream's nightmarish quality gives it more significance than the other two 'ordinary type' dreams. I found it however very difficult to perform the same association process on it that I do with the ordinary dreams.

Element research:
Man =dangerous or threatening// falls on me=sexual threats-real ones?/imagined ones?/
Plaid Shirt= scotch clan=scotch whiskey-drunk men= predators/molesters/

I then turn to past memory exploring for evidence that this could be a flash back to some bad experience that had come back to haunt me. Now I know very well, I have had perhaps, hundreds of nightmares, beginning in early childhood. These had all kinds of fear causing boogey men, creepy creatures, pirates and other disturbing images as the invention of a child's over sensitive nervious system. And maybe one not being able to control the development of its image world.

My memory search did touch on some foggy memories of my early confusions about sex, babies and adult life. But no hints supporting the occurrence of actual sexual things, except
my own self explorations and pleasure pain experiences, soiling
embarrassments, enemas experienced with apprehension and peculiar body sensations.

Nothing found supporting the occurrence of any actual man doing any sexual thing with me. I am never fully satisfied with my dream analysis, and I look forward to the next one. I believe I get some fulfillment, self-correction and self-healing from this practice.

Crybabystill (JoAnn) November 19, 2009 Three Dreams: A Voice, Angry Man, Nightmare.

I know I have taxed your attention by trying clumsily to show how I do my dream analysis and to what degree I use or abuse the process to self-analyze. If you wish to take me to task over my limitations and mistakes, feel free to do so. Just put "Angry Man Dream" in the subject space and e-mail me at fateanalysisguy@gmail.com. I'd love to hear from you. -Crybabystill. JoAnn,

Crybabystill- September 10, 2009

-(JoAnn) "CRYBABYSTILL"- Invited Guest Blogger SEPTEMBER 11, 2009 1. Dreams: Sailor Suit/Lecherous Old Man/Invisable Glove/Fear/Keys/Unlocked Door/ 2. Childhood Memory/Being Admired/Libido.

I saw a child at least someone small in a foreign type sailor suit, except the waist and shirt were like those in old-fashioned albums. His sailor hat was set at a jaunty angle and forward on his forehead (somewhat like Popeye in the old cartoons when he was about to correct some injustice to his love, Olive Oil.) Everything was in navy blue. =maybe depicted me as a child, old fashioned (or inhibited), foreign and boyish. The navy blue might signify aspects of water - or represent 'blue' feelings. The sailor hat also blue = an depressed thing head/mind related. You will note I am trying clarify what I dreamed as a write it down and I worry that the effort may actually serve to hide the real meaning from you and me. The same night: I dreamed W. wanted me to go to bed with him -I really didn't want to and finally was afraid Jack would find out and think I was having intercourse with other men. In the morning I try to analyze these dreams as having something in common: W., I equate Pluto who was very crude in trying to be intimate with Olive Oil. Jack I think would look the role of a handsome healthy sailor, if he was in a navy uniform. (I was told by my aunt that my father was breath takingly hansom, in his marine uniform, when courting my mother, but he had little interest in maintaining a family. Also many of my past dreams have police, soldiers, nurses, doctors, ambulance drivers, all uniformed people, also 1920-30 style dressed gangsters.) I think I remember going with my mother to a Macy's store in New York, at about age 6, I think (it's vague) in the store was a display of various sailor and soldier clothing items for kids. Maybe being there had something to do with my father's ship being in port at that time. The next night I dreamed: I was outside two dark houses- mine was more dilapidated than the other – it was in shadow, mine was sort of brown, The man next door Mr. W. I didn’t like-- an yet he kept wanting to come to me. When I awoke I was shouting at the top of my lungs (in my dream) ‘Don’t come near me John –Don’t’ [ John resembles a younger Mr. W] I moved to the opposite side of my house away from this man wondering if I could get in the front door of my house and lock the door and keep him out. I become aware I had dropped my door key on the way and feared going back for it. Also I seemed not able to move, as something I could not see was holding me there. What was holding me there was much like an invisible glove. When I awoke I had a feeling someone was trying to get into my house I was very apprehensive. I just dismissed it as not being real as I often do with bad dreams. Bad dreams being an old experienced with me. But when I examined my door I found it was unlocked and one window also open. I closed it and felt better afterwards. [Strangely, the door being unlocked part is not clear if this was in the dream or real event.] The man in my dream may have been Mr. F. (an actual older neighbor, whom I often see, when I walk around to the front of my house to get the mail --which might represent some desired or feared message. Somehow I associate a pleasant event at work with these dreams. It was that, Mr. G, my work scheduler, stopped by my section and while there, complimented me on my dress saying how well it showed my figure off. I told him I was planning to buy a jacket which would make my dress more business like. He said he couldn’t wait to see it. Can so little of a friendly exchange shake up so much of my sleep world? To the invisable glove I associate that at some ceremonial things, the Marine dress uniform included gloves. Am I wishing to be a little Sailor-Marine? What has this do with my present reality??

I would like your comments and analysis of my dreams' Just put 'Sailor Suit' in the subject fateanalysisguy@gmail.com

Crybabtstill August 2009 Recent Dream- Threatning men.

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Why and How I Do My Self-Analysis -(JoAnn) "CRYBABYSTILL" Invited Guest Blogger August 2009

Here is a recent dream, it very mild compared to my childhood nightmares, but it still carries the dysphoric mood and the intractable fears of my childhood. I am at outside the Rosicrucian Library where I had just purchased several books on the teachings of the ancient Egyptians. I have to walk around the corner to the Park Ave. bus stop which is just in front of a remarkably detailed bronze stature of Julius Caesar, that stands at the side of the museum entrance. I wonder why is Caesar honored here? No one is around and the museum is dark except for some decorative lights. I thumb through the new books with anticipated pleasure. With one book that seemed the most attractive, I discover the replicas of the the tomb and temple art has been ripped from the book. I find my receipt and consider taking it back for a intact copy, but I realize it is too late to do so. I feel some miffed, but I continue to wait for the bus, it seems to be a long wait and I find my self making up excuses for the delay. There was an accident, the driver or a passenger got sick, the bus broke down or was hijacked. Behind the Caesar statue, I see emerging out of the dark two rough looking guys, they look to me to be gangsters. The closer they approach, the more I grow uncomfortable, my heart beats faster, as I realized there is no place to go to get away from them. I hope somehow the museum guards or their electronic security will bring me help. The bus arrives and we all get on the bus, and while sitting in silence, I argue with myself; (still sleeping) was I just overcome with childish fears or had I in fact escaped a real danger? When I awake and get up. I look for the valued book. I find the art plates are still intact in it and the pages only very slightly worn after having existed many years in my bookcase. The library, museum and the Caesar statue and the bus stop on Park Ave, were in reality present, when I went there, some years ago. There never were any incidents of fear causing men or missing pages. Are the dream men a replacements of the bogy men of my childhood, perhaps via the strange pantheon of the strange creatures that filled the book pages that were in my dream ripped out and somehow I could not immediately take back for replacement? What do you think?

Why and How I Do My Self-Analysis -(JoAnn) “CRYBABYSTILL”-

Why and How I Do My Self-Analysis -(JoAnn) “CRYBABYSTILL”- Invited Guest Blogger.

July 4, 2009


Part 2: A SOPRANO-MANIAC’S SELF-SEARCHING AND DR. MELFI-TONY REWIND.–AND MY DREAM HISTORY.
“Dr. Melfy’s Dream-Hand trapped in the Cola vending machine as aggressive wolf-dog threatens her!”

This kind of dream is only too familiar to me. Twenty years ago, my nights were endlessly filled with such hostile images. My days were, I think, rational and not much different than any other single 27 year old, on her own, slightly depressed and lonely after the death of her mother.
I started writing a dream diary and to self-analyze. This helped me to make necessary transitions that were later to occur. It may also explain my hyper-identification with the Soprano TV Saga.
Naturally for publication, I’ve had to omit and clean up some of my more beastly dreams. Mostly those, which involved important persons, in my early life, still present in it today. I am not trying (today) to beat up anyone from the past. At the time of the dreams I very clearly felt emotionally abused and desired revenge. Moreover, feared the hostility returning onto me. Compulsions, doubts, anxieties, hate, envy, jealousy, denial and frustrations all filled my dream world then. You would not believe this quiet mild mannered, inhibited, secretary at xyz Corp. could have any such thoughts, day or night.


My crumpled old brown spiral bound composition book with faded handwriting lies before me- as if the Dead Sea scrolls.

I recall. I started with a #2 yellow pencil (from work) and the clean new pages. I was like an infant who on feeling distressed becomes aware that it is up to himself to do something about his distress, yet not sure of any power to do so.

It seemed my (for the book dreams) were mild compared to dreams a few weeks earlier- dreams I no longer recalled, except that they were unpleasant.

The fresh dreams seemed silly and confused and at the time I tried to ‘analyze’ each element as ’symbols’, treating each item something like in the chance appearances of symbols generated by passes of Tarot Cards (a system known to me from childhood play.) This worked well to relate simple ideas to some parts of my life and wishes. Also I was able to draw on Rosicrucian studies, which I was making at the same time, it was useful in setting the content into a mystic universal that I was not resposible for. The old dream interpretation books available offered mixed warnings, desires and fate capriciously. All this was interesting, but hardly ever advancing my understanding of my own dreams to my satisfaction. I was at the time, a total newby to authentic dream analysis. You will discover I learned as I went along.
The Very First Dream Book Entry 6-30-xx two dreams in one night. Mild dull stuff hardly worth any intelligent person wasting their time on. What’s the big deal? There is nothing here at all, revealing of anything. Do you agree?


#1 It seemed to me my kitten squeezed its face together-in my dream-like it did when it got its foot caught in the refrigerator door.

#2 Like in a movie -I saw 3 girls- all trying to get a man- but the men were escaping -one went out thr front way-because he was my girl friend’s boy friend and I let her go after him and when I went out- they were kissing in the hall entrance - Then I went into the kitchen-took out of the refrigerator one of many frozen little valentines - In the hearts symbols shape -and left it out a few minutes to start it melting-I pushed in back into shape and put it back in the freezer with the others.




May 30, 2009 [My first post.]
Why and How I Do My Self-Analysis -(JoAnn) “CRYBABYSTILL”- Invited Guest Blogger. BUT- first the Irrational reasons I started it. 1. The Sopranos (Renewed old fascination. 2. Dull Life 3. Internet Broadband
Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: Dr Melfi, Psychoanalysis, Sociopath, Therapy, Tony Soprano — admin @ 9:00 pm
My husband says I am a blabbermouth and recommends I should concentrate on that. I guess he is right as that trait forces me to present my story in several parts. This is number one and the rest are about to come. I influenced the editor to put links to the Tony Soprano-Dr Melfi exchanges in the Blogroll so that you won’t have me sent to the funny farm.WHY and How I Do My Self-Analysis -(JoAnn) “CRYBABYSTILL”- Invited Guest Blogger. BUT- first the Irrational reasons I started it.
1. The Sopranos a fascination.
2. Dull Life
3. Internet Broadband

I felt, even years back, I could benefit from psychoanalysis. This was not exactly a rational wish. Of course and I had both attraction, resistance and even a little embarrassment at the thought of being psychoanalyzed at all, in any form modern cognitive in a chair, or on grandfather Freud’s couch. In fact, I never was able to justify the seeking any professional help. I imagined I would be laughed at for admitting the only dumb reason I had to offer was that I wanted to explore me. This desire for analysis was not new with me, it had formed over the years, mainly from the movie versions of psychotherapists. I understood there nearly everything was

dramatically distorted to make some story work. Most these movie stories were of the patient having some dark guilt haunting him, causing murderous bad dreams, strange symptoms, dizzy spells, phobias, compulsions, kleptomania, amnesia, These all resolved when the mind doctor uncovered and exposed the cause, which was something dramatically horrible, repressed and forgotten. From this and some various reality checks I made myself, I came to see I had as desire for analysis with an image of receiving hopeful understanding, forgiveness and painless repair. And on the other hand images of crafty blackmailers, Svengali’s who took your very soul and used it for their own perverse purposes. As a further considered was the sexual undertones of the couch and thoughts of venerability or desire for sex as a magical solution for something missing in my life. I feared things like that being being cleverly being exposed (or I really wanted to confessed too) from my memories. How could I ever own up and face my not repressed at all occasional mind-boggling sexual fantasies, and my now and then awareness my unwonted traits, ones with traces of avarice, envy and hatred which I struggled with in adolescence. And Oh Yeah- as when I did not get my way as a child I felt I was being abused and misunderstood. Also I believed, that I was for the most part a textbook example of normal adjusted adult and feared being laughed at for even presenting myself for any sort of authentic counseling or therapy. Yet still I was yearning to explore in myself what was the mysterious unconscious that my movie and TV therapists were so often referring to? Was it really the authentic unconscious of Freud and Jung? Where dreams, fantasies, complexes, repression’s and aberration really to be taken seriously as being part of me? I am a prolific dreamer, I dream every night, I fantasize often, watch lots of TV, read a few romance novels. Is that neurotic, self-indulgent or what? I have over all a strong bond to my family, my aberration’s are minor, but aberrations nevertheless. But it was actually, the Sopranos Saga (all seven seasons) that really got to me thinking about psychoanalysis and possibility of a psychoanalysis self-performed (Quirky I thought at the time.) I understood, the role of Dr. Melfi treating the criminal sociopath, Tony Soprano but I found I wanted to scream to her.”Change him”- YET, knowing-how dull the story would de if she succeeded. I felt like both she and Tony- fictional characters as though they are–were somehow both aspects of a split self or something I also had a vague connection to. Could I somehow echo this split at some deeply repressed level? I craved to know. Irrational as it may seem to me now, the stupid story fired my interest in analyzing myself, Am I crazy?, Am I just over identifying?– I said to myself- all this stuff is way out of my league. Still stuff entering both, my TV view and some echo in my head kept stirring asking how or what would you do if you if you had the opportunity to be psychoanalyzed? I don’t know. As the show continued I had the dumb thought; If I don’t analyze Dr. Melfi she is never going to help gangster, Tony. None of this made sense until I replaced Dr. Melfi with that part of myself that aimed at being helpful yet had failed to be truly helpful to my own related family members, where family feuds, abuse, alcoholism, divorce, vindictiveness and suicide, fills out the genealogical chart. This is an the helpful self I would like to be and Tony with a self that never could really be. I also began to note content entering my own dream world. I found I was doing a kind of rewrite of some the scenes of Melfi-Tony therapy sessions. As early as the third season in my dreams I was telling Tony to get back seriously to his apparently very intermittent analysis that was not producing any results and he was becoming an increasingly violent antisocial murderous no-good. End Part 1. First sparks of the desire to psychoanalysis myself are starting to start small fires in my head that are about get hot but not yet a conflagration
Coming Next: Part 2: A SOPRANO-MANIAC’S SELF-SEARCHING AND DR. MELFI-TONY REWIND.

Next post- I open my dream book from twenty years back and you can help me analyze it!!